It will always be deeper.
Queer
Black
Surviving the only way I know how.

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Treat them with respect.

"

“I am not the first person you loved.
You are not the first person I looked at
with a mouthful of forevers. We
have both known loss like the sharp edges
of a knife. We have both lived with lips
more scar tissue than skin. Our love came
unannounced in the middle of the night.
Our love came when we’d given up
on asking love to come. I think
that has to be part
of its miracle.

This is how we heal.
I will kiss you like forgiveness. You
will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms
will bandage and we will press promises
between us like flowers in a book.
I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat
on your skin. I will write novels to the scar
of your nose. I will write a dictionary
of all the words I have used trying
to describe the way it feels to have finally,
finally found you.

And I will not be afraid
of your scars.

I know sometimes
it’s still hard to let me see you
in all your cracked perfection,
but please know:
whether it’s the days you burn
more brilliant than the sun
or the nights you collapse into my lap
your body broken into a thousand questions,
you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I will love you when you are a still day.
I will love you when you are a hurricane.”

"
-  Clementine von Radics, Mouthful of Forevers  (via emptisighs)

(Source: coffeeghostss, via bearing--love)

"You can’t see yourself all over. But I can. Part of you is honey, part of you is copper, some of you is gold-"
- James Baldwin, Another Country (via browngirlinterrupted)

(via browngirlinterrupted-deactivate)

"Come over for ice cream and cake!"

"You know today is her birthday."

"I was just joking."

Good for nothing
Lackluster
Imperfect
Unpolished
Rough
Ragged
Raw
Wretched
Rusty
Scorned
Scared
Scarred
Ungrateful
Unloveable
Stupid
Delusional
Empty
Vapid
Raging
Incompetent
Ugly
Needy
Lost
Cracked
Used
Useless
Please don’t hit me
Please don’t be mad at me
Please love me
Please find me attractive/sexy/alluring
Please don’t look at my stomach
Please don’t look into my eyes
Don’t touch me
Please touch me
Please find me funny
Please find me valuable
Please don’t kill me
Please don’t leave me
Please find me valuable
Please find me valuable
Please find me valuable
Please find me valuable
Please find me valuable.

I really need to do laundry but everything smells like your damn near fifty hour work weeks.

I’m still scared you’re gonna leave and never come back.

I’m still scared that I’m doing this wrong.

I’m still scared I’m gonna wake up and none of this is real.

So these stale ass work shirts and socks lie on our floor and every once in a while I shut the door, occupying myself in other rooms or venues.

Come back after a while to take a big, deep breath of you and your dirt and your salt.

I’ve gotten better at leaving the house.

I’ve gotten better at letting my phone sit away somewhere.

I don’t fight waking up with the sun.

I try real hard not to find the time on Sundays

I spritz your cologne and wear your accessories.

If I could wear your pants I would.

Skirts
Bare feet, billowing fabric
Running to remember a childhood non-existant

Haphazardly spilling water into dirt and humming into golden spheres

Biting, folding, sweating, digging digging digging, folding, wiping off, scraping off, waiting, sifting, tending, talking, inspecting, consuming, digesting.

Honey-infused, lemon-laden

Hot hot peppers

Bell pepper noses and oxtail gravy skin

Hearty winter food tossed with greens, grains, and fruit

Dripping

Lovers lower lip nursing sweet sangrias

Suckling, sharing, smiling special smiles

Ice play

All of the wonderous décolletage

Kiss me.

Don’t miss a nerve.

I think, in comparison, of broken phrases
Releasing pure saline
A boy breaking up
With me over the phone
Releasing the confusion of entrapment.

Sometimes we’re sad to see our rapists go.

A mother laughing
Deepest
Uterine, bladder laughter at her child’s unending weeping. She knew the boy. What she knew of the boy she liked. I couldn’t ever tell her he did so many things i never wanted.

She was so proud of me being with this boy.

She was never proud of me.

Sometimes we are so sad to see them go.

It’s been my dream as a fat, Black, and undesirable girl, to be picked up in the throes of passion

With the lights on.

On some porn shit. Except I exist out of parody and the entire thing is seriously about me. My rolls, blemishes, stretch marks. My I bleached asshole. My modesty dissolving. Exposing my neck, grasping at pillows.

The door between my legs
The accordion paper wrapped my waist
The pilgrim myths
My nose is stronger now
Poison makes everything else taste much sweeter
And my teeth whiter